Our Next Letter to Nick: Sharing Stories, Shedding Tears, and Finding Treasures

Hey, buddy.

One year ago I held you like a mom would her child for the first and last time all in one day. I can remember clearly everything sitting in the hospital with you, Dad, and our family. Other details like what day of the week it was or what was going on outside the hospital room is a huge blur. It has been all year. Our lives changed that day. The pain is real, and so many tears fall. However, I am happy to say that we have continued to remember, share stories, enjoy conversations with others about you, laugh, smile, and continue to make memories. I have slowly watched part of us continue to grow while part of us stands still.

I have been receiving a lot of comments lately saying that it looks like we are enjoying ourselves and we seem happy thanks to some photos I have been posting after some pretty good days. Dad and I keep doing things, things you always enjoyed to do – riding, going to the lake, and just hanging. We’re always sharing stories and memories. We continue to take family and friends along on these adventures. Dad told me that’s what you, Nate, and he loved to do. Do things together and share the fun.

Sunday, August 7^th -We were out at the lake for a Kroeger family night. Your cousins were all there. While out on the boat, Dad’s eye catches a large tarp-like thing running down the hillside into the lake. Being the big kid that he is, he suggested we should go set that up for some slip and slide fun. At first, not everyone was sure it would be worth the effort. I finally said, “so are we going to slip and slide?” Dad and I headed over there and started moving the tarp, straightening it out, and cleaning it off. Slowly everyone else made their way over one by one.

Dad and Uncle Lee hauled up some water and started dumping it down the slide and off the kids went, screeching with delight as they went. A few tumbles also resulted in some giggles. Your dad lit up, too, as those kids went flying down the hill. He told me how you guys did this once before. Aunt Michelle said the same thing, and immediately a few photos came to mind with you in it. Oh man, did the kids love it. I went a few times, too, as the girls kept asking. Everyone got a pretty good laugh out of that. Dad always is a great instigator of crazy fun ideas. Can I just say the little boogie board you used was an excellent idea? I had some battle wounds from the night skidding down on my belly. :-)

you

the cousins

You, Dad, and Nate shared a lot of time together out there at the lake. A lot with just the three of you and many other days with more family and friends, too. “What a treasure this place was,” as Dad said.

Saturday, August 13^th- Dad and I were talking about the lake on our drive to Genoa as we were heading there to ride the rest of the weekend. He was giving me a bigger picture of the adventures with the Kroeger boys out at the lake. I have heard about the ATV trails that used to be out there (which I am a bit jealous I wasn’t there with you guys on many occasions to enjoy those). I know you guys spent a lot of time out there and it was your summer thing, but it wasn’t until this day that I really understood what a treasure it truly was for you boys. One of the rituals sounded something like this:

Dad picked up boys from school Monday night. Dad would pick up Domino’s $5 pizza. Boys would go to lake, eat, finish up any homework, and then screw around a bit. Whether it was swinging off the rope, jumping off the dock, or taking a spin on the trails. Boys would then get together on the bed in the camper, start watching Shrek, and fall asleep. Dad then would sometimes take the boys to the donut shop early Tuesday morning before school and they would practice spelling words on the way. Oh and did I mention they would usually laugh and laugh and laugh? Well, they did with big smiles on their faces.

We did some knee boarding that Saturday after we made it to Genoa. I learned how and joined in, too. The last time I saw anyone do this was the time you wanted the group together and go to Genoa last summer. That was one of your last good weekends, although we didn’t realize it at the time. You even hopped on that kneeboard for a while much to your dad’s surprise. You had never done it before. Your first time and last time was with one leg. You never failed to amaze us, kid. Dad and I had been talking about that day all week and he was as excited as a school boy to get out there and kneeboard.

Dad and Toni

Toni and Jess

Sunday, August 14^th - Dad and I were up before the rest of our group and decided to go for a morning ride before it became warmer out there. I cried that morning. Dad doesn’t always know I am doing this when I am as my helmet shields my tears. I think about you and life in general when we ride. I also let go. Letting go and just feeling but nevertheless enjoying the ride. Dad and I really wanted to take your yellow YFZ out but first thing when we tried it didn’t want to start up for us. We were both kind of hanging low about that, and I’m sure you know I cried for quite a while as we began to take to the sand and head on the trails.

Through my tears all of a sudden I am coming around a corner and see Dad stopped on his 4-wheeler with his hand stuck out saying “Stop”. I hit the brakes, and he gets off the quad and searches on the ground. He walks over to me with a half-dollar sized baby snapping turtle in his hand. Immediately my tears stopped. A turtle. You love turtles.

Dad said it’s not every day you just run across one like this out here. How the heck did he even see it as we flew down the trails?! You were just like him in that regard. You could spot a dime in the sand dunes down in Oklahoma from half a football field away. As my jaw kind of dropped, Dad was so excited about the find. A turtle. How fitting.

Dad took the turtle back to camp and told me to go drive around down by the diversion dam. It seemed like he was gone longer than I anticipated and then here came your bright yellow YFZ with Dad on it. I smiled. He circled around with me for a while and then pulled up by the river. He started signaling me over and seemed like he was pointing toward your quad. “What?” I wondered. “Is he signaling for me to crawl on… Wait a second… I think he is.”

Then a couple pulls up and the guy asks us is this was the YFZ he saw for sale in Fullerton. We both shook our heads at first. Then Dad started to say, “It was my son’s.” That led Dad in to talking about you, how you stayed so strong and never gave up. Never ever ever gave up. Not even in some of your last hours. Some of your final words were “Dad, I’m not going anywhere.  Just have the Doctors give me a breathing treatment and I’ll be out of here by the weekend so we can go riding like we always do.”  I’m gonna start crying again as I write this.

Dad had knelt down on the ground and as is voice cracked, some tears began to run down Dad’s face, this total stranger who we had just met from Iowa City could see this incredible pain overcoming your Dad and he knelt down beside your Dad and reached out and placed a hand on Dad's shoulder and squeezed, the moment over came this guy as well and as he turned his head away for just a second I saw tear escape his eye and drop to the ground.  I realized at that moment that this guy must be a dad, too. I was losing it myself as I witnessed this happening. Just... 

It did feel nice to share stories with someone else. We also talked about how much you loved riding and life in general. How you progressed so fast on your quads. How you boys had been going with Dad for years. How much we admire you. How much you boys mean to us. How much we love you. How much we miss you.  Your Dad stood up and told Tyler to take your YFZ for a spin.  Tyler tried turning him down, but your Dad said Nick would want you to.

Tyler gave me his name and said I should add him on Facebook. It was nice for us to meet him that day and maybe we will catch up with him down in Genoa another time again. Thank you for sending him over to us and giving us a chance to share stories with others. While it can bring tears to our eyes, we love to remember and share. After Tyler headed on his way as he had a 5-hour drive back home, Dad motioned for me again. “Be careful,” he said as I carefully sat down. I took it down and back a few times and felt so at ease. (slightly surprised I didn’t get struck by lightning haha) I pulled back in and he asked if that was all the more I wanted to ride it. “I don’t know.” I went back around for a while and just felt an interesting calm. I finally pulled back up to Dad and gave him a hug while saying thanks. Thank you, Nick.

Later that afternoon we were cruising by the river in the heat of the sun. Dad pulls up to the shore and is picking up a blue piece of plastic. “Now what did he find,” I wonder. He waves me over, and says “Jess, it’s a turtle! I could see blue plastic, but it’s a turtle. Can you believe it?” It was a sand toy mold for making sand creations. Two turtles in one day, Nick! Wow.

I also cannot believe the mounds of yellow flowers growing out there where we ride. I tried pointing this out to Dad one other recent time we were out there not so long ago, but this time I saw different yellow flowers blooming. All sorts of yellow. Yellow often makes me think of you as it is your favorite color. Dad told me the time before when I tried pointing out all the yellow flowers that he didn’t remember ever noticing them before.

Wednesday, August 17^th – Today marks one year from the day we held you and had to say goodbye. A day we will never forget. Do you remember me holding your hand and telling you I promise I will take care of them for you as tears dropped to the floor? I am still trying my best each and every day to take care of Dad and Nate for you like I promised. Dad and I decided a trip to the lake tonight with your brothers - Nate and Darek - may be just the right thing. We are also hoping to take the quads out again this weekend down in Genoa. You were the greatest inspiration on continuing to enjoy life. Plus, these are places where we often feel connected to you. Being in these places often sparks some stories from your Dad and brother, too.

Dad and Darek

Tears fell as I looked through the old photos for this post. Tears fell as I typed. Tears come and go. Smiles come and go. This is how it is and will be I know. I have also been going through some old home movies. So many tears fall as I feel like I missed out on so much with my boys and wishing somehow I could have crossed paths with your dad sooner. You boys had quite the adventures. I am so glad I got to join in with you guys eventually. I love every minute of it. While I may not get to give you a hug anymore, I sure do feel you some times.

One video in particular caught me more than once but I kept watching it, tearing up, and smiling too. Sad and happy tears.  I watched you pedal a tractor when you were about 3 or 4 years old. Dad was cheering you on, and then after you finished you walked over to your brother and Nate grabbed your hand as you two walked back over to Dad.  I also saw some of the stories on film that Dad has told me come to life from cardboard sleds behind the 4-wheeler to the original slip n’ slide. I thought of some photos I had seen the day I jumped in on the slip n’ slide fun with your cousins. Now I got to see you do it.

 the cardboard sled

Of course there were some video clips that made me laugh. One even resulted in me rolling on the floor laughing as you were doing something I could see Dad doing. Asleep in the Jeep with it in gear but stuck. Man I laughed so hard. You three make me laugh some of the hardest imaginable. My boys... What I wouldn’t give to have watched you and your brother grow up in real time. I love you boys more all the time, and I miss you every day.

We love you so much, buddy. Ride on.

Come Donate Blood with Us

I usually have gone in to donate blood by myself. My dad set a good example of donating regularly, and I picked up the good habit from him. Being a blood donor is one of the easiest ways to give back. The whole process usually takes an hour or less. Do you know what giving up an hour of your time every two months can mean to someone?

Nick could have told you what some of those blood donations meant to him. We will tell you for him. What motivated his dad to come along with me to the donation center a few months ago? It wasn’t just me asking him. Mike used to donate blood, but then had a few bad experiences that deterred him from coming back until he saw me going and thought about it again. “It’s nothing compared to what Nick went through,” was one thing he told me. As we were talking about that before our last donation together, Mike’s dad said he’d like to try with us. This was his first time donating in his life. It's never too late to start.

“Give the gift of life. Donate blood.” – a slogan from the American Red Cross. Giving life… We can tell you how we watched Nick perk back up after blood transfusions. We watched life come back into him. He had more strong and happy days thanks to the donation supply.

This gift can mean that someone who needed a blood transfusion is able to go to the lake a few more times with family.

It can mean adding one more week out of the hospital giving someone time to go for another day full of riding.

Giving blood means helping someone who is in the hospital needing some strength. A patient in the hospital is always related or connected to someone somewhere. I look back at all the times I have given up that time to donate that have helped give other families strength, and thank those who gave up their time to give us a little more time. Unfortunately, it isn't easy enough to just sit here and pump our own blood directly into a family member. Believe me, we’ve asked.

An hour of your time and a pint of blood can mean another smile. Another gut-busting hilarious night. Another shared memory. Another day you never want to end.

The blood bank is a busy place, and I don't even want to guess how many people are touched by its aid each year. I do know that there is constantly a shortage of donors.

If you've never done it, give it a try! If you've had a bad experience, give it another chance. This last time around we were having issues with my flow slowing down, (which just happens sometimes) I was getting a little frustrated thinking “ah man there won’t be enough for it to actually go to someone”. I kept telling myself, “You’ve been in many times before, and you will come back. Plus, you brought two people with you today.”

Oopsies happen, but in the end one normal donation sit is painless and can do wonders for someone else. I could name many more reasons why we donate blood and why you should, too. (Did I tell you it’s actually good for your own health?) Think about it. Better yet, go do it! The American Red Cross is in Norfolk every Tuesday. 

Look at what we found in the garage today. "Give blood. Give life."

Stories for the week

If you have been following our other posts, you know I have shared some experiences with hearts appearing at peculiar times. Well, a few weeks ago we were out having a Kroeger family evening on the lake. At one point I was out on one of the tubes, while Skylar (Nick’s cousin) was on the other. I said to her, “I feel like we should sing something. What should we sing?” She told me she wanted to sing “See You Again.” I used this song on the video I made for Nick last year, and I know many people think of him every time that song comes on. While it may bring tears to the eyes and goosebumps to the arms, a few smiles can surface, too.

Well, Sky and I started singing our hearts out, even as the boat began to pull us along, we sang. After I crawled back up in the boat later, we were just floating and chatting together and my eyes were scanning the sky. I stopped and said to Grandma Bonnie, “Look behind you. I see a heart shape in the sky.” I did not take a photo this time, as I was lost in the moment with a smile on my face. It may not have been quite as surreally distinct as the heart we saw in Oklahoma, but by golly there was still clearly a heart-shape in the sky that night we could see from the boat.

Here are a few photos I did take that night:

Another week we decided on a spontaneous trip where Dad, Nate, and I took the boat with a few friends. When I was posting a few photos later that night, Facebook kept wanting me to tag you, Nick, along with Nate and the others. Every time I would click on a face, your name would appear. Dad and I agreed “That’s interesting.”

11.5 months ago we had to say “see you later” while none of us were ready. You are always on our minds. We will keep sharing stories, think of your laugh, and smile when we can. We love you, Nick. 

Friends, we ask you to join us at the blood donation center. Give the gift of life. Donate blood. You know where to find us. Come with us. Who's first?

-Mike & Jess

Happy Birthday, Dad

Mike has told me that Fathers Day and his Birthday were two days that he and his boys would always take off and go riding together at Genoa. It was their tradition. Not feeling well on Father’s day and the rainy weather today deterred us this year on those two particular days. 

There is an emptiness in Mike that he tries to cover. Working to exhaustion each day is how that idle time when a person's mind begins to wander is avoided. I know this feeling, too. Once he sits down and stops moving, well he can fall asleep in mid sentence wherever he is. Mike does not have Facebook, so one day I decided to look back through Nick’s posts and ended up finding something I knew would bring a smile to Mike’s face. Nick had never told or showed this post to his Dad, who shows little interest in Facebook anyway.

It was a post, three years ago today in fact. It was shared from a happy kid who appreciated his Dad (more than his Dad knew) acknowledging gratefulness for the sacrifices Mike made so that him and his brother could do the sport they loved so much. 

 Nate shared a great appreciation today too in a post for his birthday, where his Dad smiled and some said similar things this morning. 

 My Kroeger boys.

Happy Birthday to this beyond important man in my life! The boys and I love you so much. Ride on.

Sand, Tears, Dreams, and Smiles

Ride on... The Ride On Oklahoma Trip of April 2016 was drawing near. While we were looking forward to a little vacation and letting go for a few days, it was also hard to think about going. Thinking about going without you, Nick. It's like that every single day. Our minds wander more than half the day. 

Where does the time go? 

Yet, our feet move forward and life rides on.

An annual trip to the large fine sand dunes of Little Sahara State Park, Oklahoma has been a family tradition for years - one your dad got going. Our first morning out on the dunes this time around, your dad immediately pulled up to me and said "It just doesn't feel right without him here." 

I may have only been down here once with my boys, but I know the feeling he means all too well.

Dad, Nate, Darek, and I were sitting on top of a dune during that first morning ride when Dad drove off and started spelling your name in the sand. Nate had done this last June. 

Goosebumps climbed my back and arms, and a few tears fell right then and there. I know my boys probably did, too. Dad came back up, but all of a sudden he drove back over there again. Next thing I knew I was watching him draw a large heart in the sand below your name. 

See that figure on the top of the heart on the right half? That's Mike on his 4-wheeler leaving the marks in the sand for Nick.

While Mike and I were talking about this a few days ago I asked him what drew him to go back down there and add the heart. He told me when he was looking back down at "Nick" in the sand he could see traces that made him think of a heart, so he decided to drive back over there and finish the heart.

A few days after Mike drew that in the sand, we were stepping out of the trailer in the morning after getting a little sleep... I looked up and could not believe what I was seeing. Almost unreal! "Mike, look over there! What do you see?" Goosebumps again along with a smile.  I snapped a photo... so take a look for yourself. It's clear as day what we saw.

The next night I was assessing my bruises from some of the banging around on my 4-wheeler from some of the rougher sand we had thanks to some rain. I just about fell over in the shower when I noticed the shape of one bruise in particular on my left leg. I snapped a photo of the bruise the next morning. Once again, what do you see?

 

The third heart I saw that week. This heart on my leg stayed with me for nearly two weeks. In a way it made my own heart smile a bit each time I would look down and see it. How it changed and the parts of it that remained. 

Some times I feel more connected with Nick. 

Some times I cry. 

Some times I laugh.

Some times I smile. 

Taken 3 days after the first photo

5  days after the first photo

9 days after the first photo

13 days after the first photo

We love you so much, Nick. I did catch some paddle tire tracks up in the sky one day while in Oklahoma, too. Feeling you riding on.

Dad and I wanted to leave something for you down in Oklahoma. Dad talked to the guy at the buggy shop in Waynoka who remembered you showing him a photo jumping the RZR last time we were there.

He has placed these two photo canvases I made on display in the shop for us. For you:

 

While I had ridden in the RZR once in Genoa without you last fall, and I felt pretty connected to you that day while reminiscing... I have to admit I was unprepared for seeing your RZR make its way out on the dunes in Oklahoma again. I was off by a tree on my 4-wheeler when I first saw it pull up on the top of a dune. 

When I caught up after while and was sitting near a tree, here came Dad pulling up in it. It hit me so hard... I wasn't in the RZR with you. 

While Dad may have driven me around in it some last time, most of my memories in that thing up to this point were with you. You weren't driving around with us on the sand, so I just sat and cried for a while off on my own while the guys hung at the drag strip. 

Every day is hard, but some days it hits us harder... which seems impossible.

Still, we took the RZR out a fair amount of time after that. Dad and I shared some laughs and smiles. Shared some happy memories despite the initial tears. We even got Ray to ride out there a few times. Riding on, sharing the joy, feeling the love, and helping one another find our way.

Plus, it got me thinking about a lot of fun memories with you out there. We shared stories about the crazy things you did out there, moments you made us laugh, and enjoying every minute of it.

Here are some of my favorite photos from the Ride On Oklahoma Trip 2016:

Mike and Ray in the RZR

Nate and Darek - Nick's brothers

Mike took Nick's yellow YFZ for a few rides

Darek and "The Clone"

Darek and Mike jumping the yellow YFZs together

Darek, Mike, and Nate

Jess & Mike with yellow helmets & "Nick" in the background

Buddy, this was the second time a few heart appearances made me think of you. Last September, not so long after the longest day of my life, a peculiar rash appeared on my left arm. My fingertips traced the shape of this heart for days.

That same week we were in Columbus for the Sammy's Superheroes Glow Gold 5K for childhood cancer. After walking the 1-mile with Dad and Nate, I lined up for the 5K run. I saw this heart in the clouds in the sky at the starting line.

Dad and I love and miss you so much.

We talk about you often. I love hearing all his stories. My Kroeger boys are quite the characters. Sharing stories is one of the best things for our family.

Dad and I were talking about some of my dreams the other night on our way home under some rain. I have dreamed about you a few times this last year. Most recently, I awoke in the middle of the night from a sleep in our trailer in Oklahoma. I found myself loading up the trailer and you were standing in front of me tinkering away. You looked to be a year younger with a huge smile on your face. Gosh, you sure did love coming to Oklahoma. Your dad loved taking you boys there.

Late last October I woke up from a dream where I was in Genoa sitting with you in the back of the truck. You were talking about having such a good time. Then you asked,"Jess, do you know where Dad went?" "I'll go find him," I told you. I came back with Dad. You seemed to know that something was coming and told us, "I'm gonna tell you about it when it's time." We had tears rolling down our faces. I said, "I love you buddy." You said it back and gave me hug. Then Dad, too.

Back in August I had one shorter dream where I was just sitting with you in your truck. I don't remember talking much, if at all. We were just smiling.

The first time I dreamed about you, we were sitting in the hospital during some of those beyond hard days last August. The night before we lost you, we were trying to sleep some in the waiting room. A dream found its way into my head that night/early morning/ whatever it was.

I was outside watching this toddler play in front of me. I was telling your dad about it saying "I just know it was Nick. I don't know how right now, but I know that's who I saw." Later that week, while we were going through photos for the video I made for your funeral, one photo stopped me in my tracks. "Mike, this is exactly who I saw in that dream." Hard to believe, but it's true. I had never seen this photo before that day.

Just a coincidence maybe... but somehow... someway... something tells me it's more than that...

Buddy, while it aches inside, and something catches my throat each day when I think of your short journey... your life, laugh, smile, love, and presence remain.

Your memory lives on, and there are good things in life. Just the other night your dad gave a scholarship in your memory. The Ride On Nick Memorial Scholarship. Your good friend Alicia was the recipient. She had no idea we were doing this.

After the awards ceremony we joined Alicia and the rest of her family for some pizza. This was our second night sharing some good times with them this week. Stories, smiles, laughs. There are good things.

Thank you for all the good times, the laughs, the smiles, and the memories. I look forward to more.

Sharing stories about you helps. Plus, little things right in front of me, in the sky, and actions in others that remind us of you.

Riding on. Together.

All my love,
Jess