Ride on... The Ride On Oklahoma Trip of April 2016 was drawing near. While we were looking forward to a little vacation and letting go for a few days, it was also hard to think about going. Thinking about going without you, Nick. It's like that every single day. Our minds wander more than half the day.
Where does the time go?
Yet, our feet move forward and life rides on.
An annual trip to the large fine sand dunes of Little Sahara State Park, Oklahoma has been a family tradition for years - one your dad got going. Our first morning out on the dunes this time around, your dad immediately pulled up to me and said "It just doesn't feel right without him here."
I may have only been down here once with my boys, but I know the feeling he means all too well.
Dad, Nate, Darek, and I were sitting on top of a dune during that first morning ride when Dad drove off and started spelling your name in the sand. Nate had done this last June.
Goosebumps climbed my back and arms, and a few tears fell right then and there. I know my boys probably did, too. Dad came back up, but all of a sudden he drove back over there again. Next thing I knew I was watching him draw a large heart in the sand below your name.
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| See that figure on the top of the heart on the right half? That's Mike on his 4-wheeler leaving the marks in the sand for Nick. |
While Mike and I were talking about this a few days ago I asked him what drew him to go back down there and add the heart. He told me when he was looking back down at "Nick" in the sand he could see traces that made him think of a heart, so he decided to drive back over there and finish the heart.
A few days after Mike drew that in the sand, we were stepping out of the trailer in the morning after getting a little sleep... I looked up and could not believe what I was seeing. Almost unreal! "Mike, look over there! What do you see?" Goosebumps again along with a smile. I snapped a photo... so take a look for yourself. It's clear as day what we saw.
The next night I was assessing my bruises from some of the banging around on my 4-wheeler from some of the rougher sand we had thanks to some rain. I just about fell over in the shower when I noticed the shape of one bruise in particular on my left leg. I snapped a photo of the bruise the next morning. Once again, what do you see?
The third heart I saw that week. This heart on my leg stayed with me for nearly two weeks. In a way it made my own heart smile a bit each time I would look down and see it. How it changed and the parts of it that remained.
Some times I feel more connected with Nick.
Some times I cry.
Some times I laugh.
Some times I smile.
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| Taken 3 days after the first photo |
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| 5 days after the first photo |
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| 9 days after the first photo |
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| 13 days after the first photo |
We love you so much, Nick. I did catch some paddle tire tracks up in the sky one day while in Oklahoma, too. Feeling you riding on.
Dad and I wanted to leave something for you down in Oklahoma. Dad talked to the guy at the buggy shop in Waynoka who remembered you showing him a photo jumping the RZR last time we were there.
He has placed these two photo canvases I made on display in the shop for us. For you:
While I had ridden in the RZR once in Genoa without you last fall, and I felt pretty connected to you that day while reminiscing... I have to admit I was unprepared for seeing your RZR make its way out on the dunes in Oklahoma again. I was off by a tree on my 4-wheeler when I first saw it pull up on the top of a dune.
When I caught up after while and was sitting near a tree, here came Dad pulling up in it. It hit me so hard... I wasn't in the RZR with you.
While Dad may have driven me around in it some last time, most of my memories in that thing up to this point were with you. You weren't driving around with us on the sand, so I just sat and cried for a while off on my own while the guys hung at the drag strip.
Every day is hard, but some days it hits us harder... which seems impossible.
Still, we took the RZR out a fair amount of time after that. Dad and I shared some laughs and smiles. Shared some happy memories despite the initial tears. We even got Ray to ride out there a few times. Riding on, sharing the joy, feeling the love, and helping one another find our way.
Plus, it got me thinking about a lot of fun memories with you out there. We shared stories about the crazy things you did out there, moments you made us laugh, and enjoying every minute of it.
Here are some of my favorite photos from the Ride On Oklahoma Trip 2016:
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| Mike and Ray in the RZR |
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| Nate and Darek - Nick's brothers |
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| Mike took Nick's yellow YFZ for a few rides |
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| Darek and "The Clone" |
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| Darek and Mike jumping the yellow YFZs together |
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| Darek, Mike, and Nate |
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| Jess & Mike with yellow helmets & "Nick" in the background |
That same week we were in Columbus for the Sammy's Superheroes Glow Gold 5K for childhood cancer. After walking the 1-mile with Dad and Nate, I lined up for the 5K run. I saw this heart in the clouds in the sky at the starting line.
Dad and I love and miss you so much.
We talk about you often. I love hearing all his stories. My Kroeger boys are quite the characters. Sharing stories is one of the best things for our family.
Dad and I were talking about some of my dreams the other night on our way home under some rain. I have dreamed about you a few times this last year. Most recently, I awoke in the middle of the night from a sleep in our trailer in Oklahoma. I found myself loading up the trailer and you were standing in front of me tinkering away. You looked to be a year younger with a huge smile on your face. Gosh, you sure did love coming to Oklahoma. Your dad loved taking you boys there.
Late last October I woke up from a dream where I was in Genoa sitting with you in the back of the truck. You were talking about having such a good time. Then you asked,"Jess, do you know where Dad went?" "I'll go find him," I told you. I came back with Dad. You seemed to know that something was coming and told us, "I'm gonna tell you about it when it's time." We had tears rolling down our faces. I said, "I love you buddy." You said it back and gave me hug. Then Dad, too.
Back in August I had one shorter dream where I was just sitting with you in your truck. I don't remember talking much, if at all. We were just smiling.
The first time I dreamed about you, we were sitting in the hospital during some of those beyond hard days last August. The night before we lost you, we were trying to sleep some in the waiting room. A dream found its way into my head that night/early morning/ whatever it was.
I was outside watching this toddler play in front of me. I was telling your dad about it saying "I just know it was Nick. I don't know how right now, but I know that's who I saw." Later that week, while we were going through photos for the video I made for your funeral, one photo stopped me in my tracks. "Mike, this is exactly who I saw in that dream." Hard to believe, but it's true. I had never seen this photo before that day.
Just a coincidence maybe... but somehow... someway... something tells me it's more than that...
Buddy, while it aches inside, and something catches my throat each day when I think of your short journey... your life, laugh, smile, love, and presence remain.
Your memory lives on, and there are good things in life. Just the other night your dad gave a scholarship in your memory. The Ride On Nick Memorial Scholarship. Your good friend Alicia was the recipient. She had no idea we were doing this.
Thank you for all the good times, the laughs, the smiles, and the memories. I look forward to more.
Sharing stories about you helps. Plus, little things right in front of me, in the sky, and actions in others that remind us of you.
Riding on. Together.
All my love,
Jess
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