Our Next Letter to Nick: Sharing Stories, Shedding Tears, and Finding Treasures

Hey, buddy.

One year ago I held you like a mom would her child for the first and last time all in one day. I can remember clearly everything sitting in the hospital with you, Dad, and our family. Other details like what day of the week it was or what was going on outside the hospital room is a huge blur. It has been all year. Our lives changed that day. The pain is real, and so many tears fall. However, I am happy to say that we have continued to remember, share stories, enjoy conversations with others about you, laugh, smile, and continue to make memories. I have slowly watched part of us continue to grow while part of us stands still.

I have been receiving a lot of comments lately saying that it looks like we are enjoying ourselves and we seem happy thanks to some photos I have been posting after some pretty good days. Dad and I keep doing things, things you always enjoyed to do – riding, going to the lake, and just hanging. We’re always sharing stories and memories. We continue to take family and friends along on these adventures. Dad told me that’s what you, Nate, and he loved to do. Do things together and share the fun.

Sunday, August 7^th -We were out at the lake for a Kroeger family night. Your cousins were all there. While out on the boat, Dad’s eye catches a large tarp-like thing running down the hillside into the lake. Being the big kid that he is, he suggested we should go set that up for some slip and slide fun. At first, not everyone was sure it would be worth the effort. I finally said, “so are we going to slip and slide?” Dad and I headed over there and started moving the tarp, straightening it out, and cleaning it off. Slowly everyone else made their way over one by one.

Dad and Uncle Lee hauled up some water and started dumping it down the slide and off the kids went, screeching with delight as they went. A few tumbles also resulted in some giggles. Your dad lit up, too, as those kids went flying down the hill. He told me how you guys did this once before. Aunt Michelle said the same thing, and immediately a few photos came to mind with you in it. Oh man, did the kids love it. I went a few times, too, as the girls kept asking. Everyone got a pretty good laugh out of that. Dad always is a great instigator of crazy fun ideas. Can I just say the little boogie board you used was an excellent idea? I had some battle wounds from the night skidding down on my belly. :-)

you

the cousins

You, Dad, and Nate shared a lot of time together out there at the lake. A lot with just the three of you and many other days with more family and friends, too. “What a treasure this place was,” as Dad said.

Saturday, August 13^th- Dad and I were talking about the lake on our drive to Genoa as we were heading there to ride the rest of the weekend. He was giving me a bigger picture of the adventures with the Kroeger boys out at the lake. I have heard about the ATV trails that used to be out there (which I am a bit jealous I wasn’t there with you guys on many occasions to enjoy those). I know you guys spent a lot of time out there and it was your summer thing, but it wasn’t until this day that I really understood what a treasure it truly was for you boys. One of the rituals sounded something like this:

Dad picked up boys from school Monday night. Dad would pick up Domino’s $5 pizza. Boys would go to lake, eat, finish up any homework, and then screw around a bit. Whether it was swinging off the rope, jumping off the dock, or taking a spin on the trails. Boys would then get together on the bed in the camper, start watching Shrek, and fall asleep. Dad then would sometimes take the boys to the donut shop early Tuesday morning before school and they would practice spelling words on the way. Oh and did I mention they would usually laugh and laugh and laugh? Well, they did with big smiles on their faces.

We did some knee boarding that Saturday after we made it to Genoa. I learned how and joined in, too. The last time I saw anyone do this was the time you wanted the group together and go to Genoa last summer. That was one of your last good weekends, although we didn’t realize it at the time. You even hopped on that kneeboard for a while much to your dad’s surprise. You had never done it before. Your first time and last time was with one leg. You never failed to amaze us, kid. Dad and I had been talking about that day all week and he was as excited as a school boy to get out there and kneeboard.

Dad and Toni

Toni and Jess

Sunday, August 14^th - Dad and I were up before the rest of our group and decided to go for a morning ride before it became warmer out there. I cried that morning. Dad doesn’t always know I am doing this when I am as my helmet shields my tears. I think about you and life in general when we ride. I also let go. Letting go and just feeling but nevertheless enjoying the ride. Dad and I really wanted to take your yellow YFZ out but first thing when we tried it didn’t want to start up for us. We were both kind of hanging low about that, and I’m sure you know I cried for quite a while as we began to take to the sand and head on the trails.

Through my tears all of a sudden I am coming around a corner and see Dad stopped on his 4-wheeler with his hand stuck out saying “Stop”. I hit the brakes, and he gets off the quad and searches on the ground. He walks over to me with a half-dollar sized baby snapping turtle in his hand. Immediately my tears stopped. A turtle. You love turtles.

Dad said it’s not every day you just run across one like this out here. How the heck did he even see it as we flew down the trails?! You were just like him in that regard. You could spot a dime in the sand dunes down in Oklahoma from half a football field away. As my jaw kind of dropped, Dad was so excited about the find. A turtle. How fitting.

Dad took the turtle back to camp and told me to go drive around down by the diversion dam. It seemed like he was gone longer than I anticipated and then here came your bright yellow YFZ with Dad on it. I smiled. He circled around with me for a while and then pulled up by the river. He started signaling me over and seemed like he was pointing toward your quad. “What?” I wondered. “Is he signaling for me to crawl on… Wait a second… I think he is.”

Then a couple pulls up and the guy asks us is this was the YFZ he saw for sale in Fullerton. We both shook our heads at first. Then Dad started to say, “It was my son’s.” That led Dad in to talking about you, how you stayed so strong and never gave up. Never ever ever gave up. Not even in some of your last hours. Some of your final words were “Dad, I’m not going anywhere.  Just have the Doctors give me a breathing treatment and I’ll be out of here by the weekend so we can go riding like we always do.”  I’m gonna start crying again as I write this.

Dad had knelt down on the ground and as is voice cracked, some tears began to run down Dad’s face, this total stranger who we had just met from Iowa City could see this incredible pain overcoming your Dad and he knelt down beside your Dad and reached out and placed a hand on Dad's shoulder and squeezed, the moment over came this guy as well and as he turned his head away for just a second I saw tear escape his eye and drop to the ground.  I realized at that moment that this guy must be a dad, too. I was losing it myself as I witnessed this happening. Just... 

It did feel nice to share stories with someone else. We also talked about how much you loved riding and life in general. How you progressed so fast on your quads. How you boys had been going with Dad for years. How much we admire you. How much you boys mean to us. How much we love you. How much we miss you.  Your Dad stood up and told Tyler to take your YFZ for a spin.  Tyler tried turning him down, but your Dad said Nick would want you to.

Tyler gave me his name and said I should add him on Facebook. It was nice for us to meet him that day and maybe we will catch up with him down in Genoa another time again. Thank you for sending him over to us and giving us a chance to share stories with others. While it can bring tears to our eyes, we love to remember and share. After Tyler headed on his way as he had a 5-hour drive back home, Dad motioned for me again. “Be careful,” he said as I carefully sat down. I took it down and back a few times and felt so at ease. (slightly surprised I didn’t get struck by lightning haha) I pulled back in and he asked if that was all the more I wanted to ride it. “I don’t know.” I went back around for a while and just felt an interesting calm. I finally pulled back up to Dad and gave him a hug while saying thanks. Thank you, Nick.

Later that afternoon we were cruising by the river in the heat of the sun. Dad pulls up to the shore and is picking up a blue piece of plastic. “Now what did he find,” I wonder. He waves me over, and says “Jess, it’s a turtle! I could see blue plastic, but it’s a turtle. Can you believe it?” It was a sand toy mold for making sand creations. Two turtles in one day, Nick! Wow.

I also cannot believe the mounds of yellow flowers growing out there where we ride. I tried pointing this out to Dad one other recent time we were out there not so long ago, but this time I saw different yellow flowers blooming. All sorts of yellow. Yellow often makes me think of you as it is your favorite color. Dad told me the time before when I tried pointing out all the yellow flowers that he didn’t remember ever noticing them before.

Wednesday, August 17^th – Today marks one year from the day we held you and had to say goodbye. A day we will never forget. Do you remember me holding your hand and telling you I promise I will take care of them for you as tears dropped to the floor? I am still trying my best each and every day to take care of Dad and Nate for you like I promised. Dad and I decided a trip to the lake tonight with your brothers - Nate and Darek - may be just the right thing. We are also hoping to take the quads out again this weekend down in Genoa. You were the greatest inspiration on continuing to enjoy life. Plus, these are places where we often feel connected to you. Being in these places often sparks some stories from your Dad and brother, too.

Dad and Darek

Tears fell as I looked through the old photos for this post. Tears fell as I typed. Tears come and go. Smiles come and go. This is how it is and will be I know. I have also been going through some old home movies. So many tears fall as I feel like I missed out on so much with my boys and wishing somehow I could have crossed paths with your dad sooner. You boys had quite the adventures. I am so glad I got to join in with you guys eventually. I love every minute of it. While I may not get to give you a hug anymore, I sure do feel you some times.

One video in particular caught me more than once but I kept watching it, tearing up, and smiling too. Sad and happy tears.  I watched you pedal a tractor when you were about 3 or 4 years old. Dad was cheering you on, and then after you finished you walked over to your brother and Nate grabbed your hand as you two walked back over to Dad.  I also saw some of the stories on film that Dad has told me come to life from cardboard sleds behind the 4-wheeler to the original slip n’ slide. I thought of some photos I had seen the day I jumped in on the slip n’ slide fun with your cousins. Now I got to see you do it.

 the cardboard sled

Of course there were some video clips that made me laugh. One even resulted in me rolling on the floor laughing as you were doing something I could see Dad doing. Asleep in the Jeep with it in gear but stuck. Man I laughed so hard. You three make me laugh some of the hardest imaginable. My boys... What I wouldn’t give to have watched you and your brother grow up in real time. I love you boys more all the time, and I miss you every day.

We love you so much, buddy. Ride on.