I began writing this letter some time after Thanksgiving, but it just didn't seem ready yet. Well, Saturday a few things presented themselves that made Dad and I chuckle at first and then smile. I'm ready to finish the letter now. It is going to have a different beginning from what I started before. One of your friends we ran into down in Oklahoma last fall told me he loves the blog. "Sometimes you sure do write a lot," he said, " but I read every word." This has turned into one of those longer ones.
So, Saturday morning Dad was driving the Ols (you know, the "grandma car"), and I was supposed to follow him in the Honda as were taking the purple Ols to the shop. It was about 5:45 in the morning, and we were on a blacktop road. He pulled over because the Ols was getting too hot, and as I pulled up next to him a cat darted up the road. "What the heck is that cat doing," we wondered. Weird...
We ended up leaving the Ols in Madison and heading on to Newman Grove. After Dad headed to work I made my way to my parents' house, and I saw another precarious cat trotting up the road. "Another one. What is up with these cats today," I thought. Well I headed back up to the office not long after that to take Dad some breakfast. Another silly cat was trotting on the snow covered roads so early in the morning. "Seriously, this is getting weird."
I was telling Dad on our way back to Madison how I had oddly saw two more cats while in NG. We pulled into Madison to pick up the Ols and get it to the shop. As we were crossing an intersection, there went another cat! I said, "Mike, it's like some weird omen today. Can you believe all these cats?" I started thinking a little about the one precarious sight we saw in the clouds back in February. I shared those photos among family, but now it seems I should share them here. Dad and I were stacking wood after some riding in Genoa. This was after we had first seen "Hi" and "Nick" in the sky, which began our first Ride On blog post.
I saw a cat right away in the sky that February day, and Dad agreed.
My mom and your grandpa said they saw a boy's face first. Once I looked again I could see a boy face using half of the cat's face. It seems not everyone's eyes went to the same one first.
Then, as I followed Dad again I found myself looking to the clouds on our drive back to NG. To my left after a while I could see the letter N. I decided to call Dad and say look up to the left. "Yes, I see it." I could hear him smile. We hung up and kept driving. I should have pulled over right away for a photo but on I went. Then straight ahead of me, I watched the letters H and i appear. I called Dad again. The i did not have a dot at this point, but he said he definitely saw it, too. We were smiling more. I said I should pull over and take a photo this time. By the time I had an intersection to safely pull off onto, it began to shift and fade some but the i had been dotted. Thanks, Nick. It has almost been a year, since we saw "Hi" written in the sky. You finally wrote us back again! I still see heart shapes in odd places that make me think of you each time, but on a day like Saturday I smiled even greater.
I started driving again and watched the word Hi in front of me and the N beside me fade. I pulled over again and tried to take a photo of the letter N, it had shifted a bunch and was barely visible, but I took a photo anyway.
I continued on a bit further, and I couldn't help but continue to look at the clouds every now and then as they moved. A letter Y caught my eye, and then I saw the word "Joy". Joy. I have written before about sharing joy together and finding joy. Thank you, Nick, for sending us some extra joy that day.
Now back to the original letter I had started to share about riding on and your laugh.
We spent our Thanksgiving Holiday down on the fine dunes of Little Sahara in Oklahoma. Man we love going there. From what I hear and saw, you were quite the natural on the sand. Seriously. I do not see anyone else popping wheelies with their RZR's. I may see a few people doing some jumps over the dunes, but nothing like I experienced with you. Sitting next to you, I had my hands on the "Oh, crap" handle as we soared over a dune. I loved the feeling of letting my feet dangle rather than pushing them down as we went. I remember thinking it felt like we should touch down about a half a second before we did. Wow. Just wow. Those were some of my first experiences in this sport with my Kroeger boys, and it just seemed normal to me at the time to be jumping that thing like crazy, but now I see how great you were at it.
I do alright with my clutch. I'm good enough to be out there with everyone, but boy how I wish I could be naturally better at it. Like you boys. You make it look like second nature. Dad had to remind me to not give up when I was letting one steeper hill beat me one day. He told me that I'm always telling everyone else that, so now it was my turn to not give up. Never ever ever give up. I found a groove on the hills, but there are still a few of the taller ones out there that are not my best friends yet. I'll get there. You are one of the bravest and most fun-loving people I know, and I won't give up. I love being out there with Dad, Nate, Darek, and the rest of our riding family. And you. I love riding. I love the feeling. I love the adventure. I love you boys. So much.
Nate gave me my own flag whip (an early Christmas present), as I had been borrowing until now. He bought me a pink one. Because I'm a girl. I could hear you laughing as Dad said, "Pink because you're a girl." I do like it a lot. Then, he said I should go find a designed flag I liked. You all have one - yours says "Dune Freak", Dad's is a smiley face, and Nate a checkered flag. So, I went looking at the buggy shop.
The two photo canvases Dad and I left there for you in April are still on the wall.
I picked out this flag with an angel wing. It was the only one that stood out to me. I know you're riding with us and watching over me and the boys out there. Some moments I really need you and look to the sky.
"Will be with you, always." I was thinking a lot about that one week and played a bit with a photo composite. One photo from my first trip on the dunes and one from my most recent trip.
Our last ride on the dunes on this Thanksgiving trip, Dad and Darek let me join them for a night ride on my 4-wheeler. My other night ride experiences all involved being in the RZR with you or Dad, or with one of the other guys in their machines.
What. A. Night.
As Darek said, it's like a completely different place at night. I had to feel where I was rather than see it all laid out in front of me. Dad and Darek played around for quite a while on one steeper hill, so I hung at the bottom watching them and smiling. I could tell they were having so much fun and didn't think they would come back down until they ran out of gas. I can definitely see you doing that. When Dad pulled up next to me after while, I asked "Are you having fun?" His response was what I expected, but it came out his mouth just like you would say it. I told Dad "That sounded just like Nick." I later added there is one home video in particular I remember hearing little you saying "Yeah!" just like that. The moment gave me goosebumps, made me smile, and brought a few tears to my eye. I've shared this video before, but that's the "Yeah!" I'm talking about toward the end of this clip when Dad asked you if you're having fun.
I can't wait to go for a ride on that thing next spring at home - the cardboard sled. Dad and I had pulled it out one day this last year, but after that rope had been sitting around so long and Jessica Grace climbed on and Dad started pulling me in the 80, it snapped. Laugh if you will, but I was a bit bummed. I will get another chance for Dad to pull me around on that thing. Dad likes to call me Jessica Grace (instead of Rae) when I have my ever so graceful moments. Laugh again.
I can't help but wish you were still riding and laughing right next to us. I always will.
I brought a floating lantern along that week that we let go on the dunes. Did you want the wind to blow it downhill so you could watch Dad and Darek say "Crap!" and run down the hill after it? Running in that sand is not the easiest thing to do, mind you. I miss hearing your laugh. You'd throw your head back just like Dad.
Dad had mentioned a certain video clip to me that one of the boys had taken in Genoa one day in the fall of 2014, and he remembered you laughing so hard in it. Well, I found it, so now we can sort of still listen to your laugh. We have other videos of you growing up giggling, but this one is different. My stomach dropped when I found the video Dad had been looking for and couldn't wait to let him listen to it again. His face said it all as we listened to it together, and he couldn't believe I found it again. We both couldn't believe it.
We miss you. We miss your laugh, Nick. Just listen to it. I have added your laugh as the background to some photos.
Back to the runaway floating lantern.... Well after they caught the run away and sent it back up we watched it for the longest time in those clear Oklahoma skies. The longest I have ever been able to keep an eye on one. I rested my head on Dad's shoulder as we watched it go and just held on to him. I will keep holding on to him, our family, and friends.
I wish I could could still hold on to you. You said my name as I sat next to you in that hospital bed. I held on to your hand even tighter after that. The last time you said it, it may have taken you three breaths, but you said it. That's when I promised I'd take care of them for you.
I love you boys so much. Together, we ride on.
Your laugh is unforgettable, and we all miss it so much. At Christmas, almost everyone said how your laugh was one of their favorite things. Oh, Nick.
I almost forgot. I did spot a heart in the sky one evening as the sun went down. One of the most beautiful skies from the whole trip. Thank you.
Ride on, buddy. I will continue to look up on the days when I need you most, but together Dad and I will continue to share memories and joy.
Love,
Jess
P.S. Here is a selection of some of my favorite photos from our Thanksgiving trip on the dunes.
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